Fostering Relationships with Young People

A guide on how caring adults can talk about mental health while supporting young people.

  • Resilience is the ability to adapt to difficult situations. However, resilience isn't about putting up with something difficult, but being able to reach out to others for support is a key part of being resilient.

    Factors that help build resilience:

    • Has relationships with caring adults

    • The young person's belief that they can succeed and have some control in the situation

    • Practices managing their emotions

    • Taps into sources of cultural traditions, hope, and spirituality

  • While there are healthy and positive ways for young people to engage with online media, there are also significant risks on mental health for the. Risks may include increased anxiety, depression, and thoughts or attempted suicide. These mental health risks are even more pronounced for adolescent girls

  • A youth’s brain is rapidly developing throughout childhood and into the young adult years.

    Brain development is influenced by both genetics, as well as our environment, trauma, and neglect during early childhood has a significant impact on brain development.

    The teenage brain is still developing, teens have a hard time managing strong emotions, impulsive behavior, poor decisions, and increased risk-taking, all of which are normal behaviors for teenagers.

THE ROLE OF A CARING ADULT

Having a consistent, caring adult is one of several factors critical to healthy youth development.

Regardless of the specific role a caring adult fills, building trust with a young person, practicing consistency, and showing care in words and behavior are common factors that support healthy youth-adult relationships.

  • When a young person experiences strong, frequent, and/or prolonged adversity without adult support, it is called toxic stress. Toxic stress can come from factors a youth experiences individually (e.g. abuse, neglect, substance misuse in the home, etc.)

  • Regardless of your communication pattern with a young person, consistency is important. As a result, Youth may test whether you can be dependable. Your ability to show up when you say you will, or communicate, can show that you are someone they can trust.

    Quick Tip:

    • No reply necessary: Remember that not all communication needs to be a two-way discussion. Feel free to send messages that simply show you are thinking about them.

  • Showing that you are actively listening to the young person may help them feel valued and respected.

    Quick Tip:

    1. Comment: Ask follow up questions or comment when your young person is speaking about topics that are important to them

    2. Incorporate: Look for opportunities to ask about or mention topics that are important to your young person.

    3. Paraphrase: Show that you are listening by summarizing what your young person has shared and repeating it back to them.

    4. Be curious: Try to listen with curiosity first, rather than assumptions or judgment.

  • Coupled with being consistent and an active listener, there are several actions you can take that may also build trust

    Quick Tips:

    1. Turn to the young person for decision-making: Whether big or small, looking for opportunities to encourage the young person to think through a decision, and offer praise and encouragement rather than fixing a problem for them helps them develop their decision-making skills.

    2. Challenge by choice: Trying new things together or things that are moderately challenging. Conquering a challenging activity or task together can build trust

    3. Model vulnerability: For a young person to feel comfortable speaking vulnerably to an adult, the adult needs to show they can listen without panicking, getting angry, or other strong emotions

BUILDING A RELATIONSHIP WITH A YOUNG PERSON

All relationships look different: Most importantly, remember that a caring, trusting relationship looks different to each young person.

Trust is an important ingredient in a young person’s relationship with a caring adult. These three components can help in building trust.

  • You can help your young person see that talking about mental well-being and emotions is a normal part of conversation with people you care about.

    Quick Tips:

    1. Timing: Prepare to have adequate time for the conversation in your schedule so the young person can talk for as long as they need.

      Try to pick a time when the young person is emotionally stable, and a moment when things are calm.

    2. Topic: Remember to have reasonable expectations for when you initially raise the topic. Discussing mental health concerns often takes place over time and multiple conversations.

    3. Self-Reflection: Self-reflect on what topics you are willing or comfortable talking about. For example, self-reflect on your willingness to discuss topics like substance use, sex, or other sensitive topics

  • Use language or styles that work for you and the young person. For example, if the young person says they are “down” don’t rephrase that to “depressed," just echo their words.

    Examples you might say:

    • What is on your mind lately?

    • Do you feel like you have support when you’re having a hard time?

    • What do you do to give yourself a break?

    • What do you do to take care of your mental health?

    • I’m bringing this up because I’m worried about you

    • I’m bringing this up because everyone needs someone to talk to.

    • I am here for you. I’m here to listen and support you.

  • If this is a new conversation, first know that the young person may not want to respond to a direct question about their own mental health. Sharing your experiences can help normalize the fact that all people need someone to reach out to for help and support– it’s not a sign of weakness.

COMMUNICATION SKILLS FOR APPROACHING THE TOPIC OF MENTAL HEALTH

From a foundation of trust, an adult can approach the topic of mental health with a young person. However, it may be challenging to know where to begin.

  • You can lay the groundwork for following-up by asking your young person what they want from the conversation. Are they looking to you for resources, or just a listening ear?

    Quick Tips:

    1. Express Thanks:

      Thank the young person for being willing to share with you. If you plan to follow up on anything discussed, let the young person know.

    2. Moving On:

      Once the conversation has wrapped up, it can be helpful to change the topic to something lighter, or go back to doing an activity together.

    3. You might say:

      I don’t have all the answers, but I can help you find the answers and resources. Thank you for being open with me.

  • As a caring adult in the life of a young person, you may have the greatest opportunity to identify when they’re struggling with mental health. Feelings like anxiety, depression, or suicidal thoughts often come to our attention through outward, visible signs that indicate something is happening.

    • Changes in everyday behaviors, social interactions, and hobbies/routines

    • Withdrawal from people and activities a young person once enjoyed

    • Extreme mood swings that aren't typical

    • Changes in school performance

    • Less energy than usual

    • Sleeping excessively or insomnia (teens typically need 8-10 hours of sleep per 24 hours), in addition to behaviors like irritability, restlessness, or excessive worry

    • Sudden changes in appetite, dress, or hygiene

  • Sometimes mental health struggles become so overwhelming that a young person experiences thoughts about ending their life.

    • Avoiding discussions about the future

    • Expressing feelings of worthlessness or hopelessness

    • Talking about dying or disappearing, giving away personal belongings, or suggesting friends and family would be better off without them

    • Increasingly using or misusing substances like alcohol, cannabis, etc.

    • Purchasing a weapon or collecting/stashing away medications

  • It can be extremely difficult to witness these behaviors, but remember, the more calm and level-headed you can be when talking about thoughts of suicide, the safer your young person will feel discussing this difficult topic too.

    • Create an environment of supportive and honest communication. It’s okay to let the young person know it’s a hard thing to talk about (for both of you).

    • Directly ask if they’re thinking of hurting themselves or taking their own life.

    • Don’t be afraid to use the word “suicide.” This will help them to feel validated and heard.

    • Tell the young person you care about them and want to help.

    • Once you’ve talked about your concerns, a possible next step is to talk about variety of ways to get support (therapy, apps, hotlines) you can explore with them to see what may be the best fit for their individual needs.

    • Pay attention to your young person’s needs, support their treatment plan if they want this, and let them know you’re there for them.

  • Hotlines and Resources to keep on hand: (Printable)

    • National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (24-hour): Dial 988

    • Text “HOME” to the Crisis Text Line at 741741

    • Boston Emergency Services Team (24-hour): 1-800-981-HELP (4357)

    • Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA)

    • National Helpline (24-hour): 1-800-662-HELP (4357), or TTY: 1-800-487-4889

    • TrevorLifeline of theTrevor Project (for LGBTQIA+ support): 866-488-7386

    • If a young person isn’t quite ready to see a therapist but would benefit from someone listening to their concerns, consider 7 Cups (www.7cups.com, for ages 13-17).

HOW TO ADDRESS MENTAL HEALTH & SUICIDE

From a foundation of trust, an adult can approach the topic of mental health with a young person. However, it may be challenging to know where to begin.

  • As a general guideline to follow with young people under age 18, any information that poses potential imminent harm to themselves (or to another person) should be shared with the young person's parent or guardian.

    If you do need to share information with others, try to involve the young person. If the young person is comfortable with sharing the information together with a parent or guardian, including them in the process can further strengthen trust between the two of you.

    1. When thinking about confidentiality, here are some helpful questions to ask yourself:

    2. What information would be concerning enough for me to break confidentiality?

    3. What if they ask me not to share something, even when I tell them I need to? How might this impact our relationship?

    Ideally, tell the young person early in the conversation or at the end of the conversation if you'll need to share information, and validate their feelings.

  • I know this is between us, but remember the most important thing is keeping you safe and healthy. If you tell me anything your [parents] should know, we’ll talk about how to tell them.

    I’m glad you shared this with me, and I want to help you through it. This is one of those things that has me worried about your safety, and that [parent] will need to know. Can we talk about how to share this with them together?

This guide was written in collaboration with Silver Lining Mentoring to help caring adults hold supportive conversations and approach conversations about mental health with young people.